Privacy
by Hack.Drawer
Summary: In which there is NO privacy on a Strawhat ship.


A/N: I found another story while looking through my unreliable comp! It's pretty...shitty. :P Are women the only ones that carry conversations in the bathroom with each other? I THINK NOT.

* * *

Trafalgar D. Water Law heard the stomping steps approach with the sort of anger he'd grown accustomed to, so he lowered his book to his lap and waited as the shouts of men eventually lead to a crescendo. He lit a match as the bathroom door swung open with a bang and shut with the same sort of force. Hunching his shoulders, Law hunched in place as he waited for the heavy exhale.

"He is so fucking _annoying_," Blackleg Sanji stressed between gritted teeth. "That shitty, overgrown piece of shit!"

"Occupied," Law supplied without being asked.

"I figured you'd be here. You weren't on deck."

Law listened to Sanji pace at the door, growling to himself. He picked up his book and resumed reading, wincing every so often at the sounds of hard thumps outside the bathroom. Maniacal laughter rang out, causing an eye to twitch.

"_Sanji_…!"

Law lowered his book as he looked cautiously at the closed door between himself and the larger expanse of the bathroom as Sanji's steps slowed to a stop. A dart of his eyes confirmed that he'd definitely locked the door before sitting.

"I know you're in there! Is this an angry shit, or just a shit-shit? How long do you think it'll take?" Luffy asked from underneath the door, causing Law to roll his eyes with irritation as he resumed reading.

"Luffy," Sanji stressed impatiently from the sink. Law imagined he was glaring at his own reflection, unlit cigarette between his teeth. He flipped a page. "We had a talk about bathroom boundaries."

"I know, but…"

From the sound of it, Luffy had stretched his lips underneath the door. Once again, Law glanced at _his_ closed door, noting that there was some security between himself and that invasive boy's stretchy lips. He lowered his book to his lap and wiped at his face with rising irritation. There was no way any human soul – save for those wretched ladies – could take a peaceful shit on this ship.

"Before you sit down, hear me out," Luffy continued, tapping at the door with his fingertips. Moments later, Chopper joined him, knocking politely.

"Are you eating enough fiber, Sanji?" he asked.

Face in hand, Law shook his head.

"I'm not _in_ the shitter," Sanji said with exasperation. "I am at the _sink_, washing my damn hands!"

"Oh, so, you're getting ready to cook, right?" Luffy asked hopefully.

"Yes! In a few minutes!"

"When will it be done?"

"Probably _never_ at this rate!"

"Okay, so, after you wash your hands and take a poop, _then_ you'll cook?"

"Why wash your hands _before_ you poop, Sanji?" Chopper asked suspiciously, antlers bumping against the door. The sound of his hooves attempting to snake underneath the door became glaringly obvious.

"What are you guys doing?" Franky asked suspiciously from afar, his heavy steps coming forward to investigate. "Hey, the door stuck again? _My god_, what are you doing with your lips, bro?"

Law sighed with pain.

"Can a man have five minutes to themselves? _For five minutes_?" Sanji stressed with slight mania.

"I mean, sure, but I just wanna check on things before we move on," Luffy assured him, scratching at the door. "Have some plans in place before we get to some serious business."

Dragging his fingers over his face, eyes drooping with his action, Law reflected on how many plans Luffy threw away to follow his own path of destruction. Those were important plans; the ones he made up between meal plans were taken with more consideration than those plans.

"At least fifty minutes," Sanji responded heavily.

"Fifteen?"

"FIFTY."

"I guess we can swim for that long."

"Yes, please, take your time drowning, idiot. Maybe _then_ I can get something done around here!"

"Ha ha! I'll give it a whirl - ! _OW_!"

The bathroom door swung open, Franky's mystified exclamation ringing out. Chopper shrieked as the sound of a dragging body caused more loud noises.

"The door works _fine_…!" Franky said with exasperation. "You had me all worried for a bit."

"For the love of - ! ALL OF YOU, GET OUT!"

"Don't yell at me, bro, I'm just figuring some stuff out. Relax. Take a shit, you'll feel better with a clean colon," Franky advised.

"Fifty minutes, then," Luffy verified, rising to stand as he brushed himself off. Chopper hurried off with a sudden gasp, and Franky went off in the direction he was heading previously. Nami roared with laughter somewhere, followed by Brook's startled howl.

The door slammed shut again, and Sanji locked it this time. Law removed his hand from his face, listening to the thunder of running footsteps away from the bathroom.

"You need the toilet?" Law then asked Sanji, picking up his book once more.

"No," Sanji replied on a heavy sigh. He headed to the sink. "I came over to wash my damn hands."

"I can hold it," Law then muttered, finding the paragraph he'd left off on.

"That can't be healthy," he heard Sanji mumble to himself.

"So, man to man," Sanji started off slowly, causing Law an impatient sigh. "From an outsider's standpoint – who do you think gets the most action around here?"

Law rolled his eyes, lowering his book once more. "I doubt anyone does around here. You're a bunch of virgins."

"This include you?"

"This includes me."

"I knew it," Sanji whispered to himself, dispensing soap into his hands before turning on the sink. "For one, your appearance suggests that you might have held hands with a woman before, but you didn't know how far to take it. All flash and no boom."

"I'm an open book," Law muttered. "You got me."

"That guy out there just has to look at a woman and she drops her clothing," Sanji muttered, washing fiercely. "And me? Friend zone."

"Well – "

"I'm a nice guy!"

"Women hate those words together. Might as well condemn yourself to your mother's basement. See, here's the problem, Blackleg-ya," Law started, lowering his book once more, "you try too hard. You have to give them options."

"I give them _many_ options," Sanji said stiffly, dispensing soap once more.

"The main problem you present includes friend-zoning. You're too greedy and desperate, and that makes them automatically dismiss you. Women like a challenge, not a welcome mat," Law murmured.

"Okay, wise guy, feed me some wisdom. How do you get them?" Sanji asked, rinsing off his hands and turning off the water. "You think you're a walking sex stick, or something?"

"I mean…my appearance suggests so. All I have to do is look at them with my come-hither eyes."

Sanji barked out a "HAH!" that made himself cough noisily.

"So I limit my eye contact to men I deem to kill, instead," Law finished. "Can't have the hassle of any woman falling in love with me. I'm sensitive, I hate to hurt people like that."

"I think these fumes screwed up your brain cells," Sanji mumbled.

"Work on it, Blackleg-ya. _Come-hither eyes_."

"When one hears that phrase…what the shit does that even mean?" Sanji asked with exasperation, facing himself in the mirror. After a few moments he squinted hard, furrowing his eyebrows together and pouting his lips ever so slightly.

Law thought about it, trying to feel the expression that was natural to his features. "Draw the beginning of your eyebrows together ever so slightly. Wrinkle that space."

"Keeping a cool face is important to my image, so furrowing pensively is not..."

"Has this actually worked for you?"

Grumbling, Sanji used his index fingers to draw his eyebrows together.

"Also, it's important to enhance the pout," Law continued, touching his own face with consideration. He felt the resting position of his mouth, concentrating on describing his features without actually looking at them. "Hold the jaw firmly, almost like you are concentrating on killing a man. But…with a little flare…"

"All these expressions lead to having killed someone," Sanji stated with exasperation, but he forced his lips into an exaggerated pout. He glared at his reflection, shifting his jaw about slightly to find the right sort of pout.

"Oh? You haven't?"

Sanji used his fingers to exaggerate his pout. "The point of a fight is showing how much stronger you are without actually killing them!"

"I'll write that down, maybe try it next time. Also, tilting your head down ever so slightly while looking up – this is _important_."

Sanji followed his direction, but winced at the sight of his wide forehead in full view. He straightened up with a huff.

"It's all in the attitude," Law continued. "You must hold all the attitude of a man that's had all the pussy without admitting you actually haven't."

Sanji stared at his reflection with utter confusion. He exaggerated Law's trademark pose, but he had to admit that he looked rather ridiculous. He smoothed out imaginary wrinkles in his pressed shirt and straightened the collar of his shirt.

"Well, why not?" he then asked.

Law turned the page of his book with an irritated eyeroll. "I mean…most of my life was focused on revenge and not women. Angry faps are not the type of faps to fuck with. Makes it difficult to actually have the sex."

Sanji winced, lighting up his cigarette. "_Angry faps_?"

"Maybe even a watermelon or two died in a show of rage."

"Wow, that was so much information I didn't need to know," Sanji whispered to himself, drumming his fingers against his chin. "Okay, _so_! Look like I care without – _wait_. Look like I _don't_ care…and this works for you?"

"Who gets the most attention on the battlefield? The guy in the fancy clothes, or the half naked guy who may or may not be wearing underwear?"

"…Why am I even bothering with you?"

"I was here, first."

"Yeah, yeah."

There was heavy banging at the door. "Cook! C'mon, you've been in there for five minutes. How long does it take for you to put an apron on?"

"_For shit's sake_, you shitty moss bag - !"

"I mean, I could lay a few out from the back railing, but Nami made some new rules, and put up…spikes. I think they're bird spikes. This is an emergency."

Law picked up his book. He wasn't going to move until he was done.

"This guy," Sanji whispered to himself, vein bulging at his temple. "_This guy_ is the one women drop their panties for - ! It's so _unfair_!"

"You talking to yourself in there?" Zoro asked suspiciously, jiggling the doorknob. "Why's this locked?"

"There are no locked doors on this ship," Ussop's voice boomed out, lower than Zoro's. He pounded upon the door. "Sanji! Open up! Sinning in secret is the same as sinning in the open!"

"NOT WITHOUT A WARRANT!" Sanji bellowed, kicking the door and causing Ussop to scream. "FIVE MINUTES! I JUST NEED _FIVE_ MINUTES!"

Law dropped his book back onto his lap and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes.

"C'mon, curly, my cheeks are getting tired!" Zoro groaned. "They're under stress!"

_I am sailing to the ends of the earth with morons_, Law thought to himself, sweeping his hands through his hair.

"There's a clear example," Law then stated. "The image of uncaring. Unnecessary acceptance of one's most primitive self. The open frankness of this encourages women to think that there are no secrets for him to hide."

Sanji looked away from the door, eyebrows lifting. "Ah. Yes. Well…I don't know, you're sort of ambiguous."

"I mean, we've made verbal contact," Law pointed out. "The rule states that once you start talking, you can't continue until both are either occupied with their business here, or one has given the other privacy by exiting. Neither of which has happened."

"I guess I'm pushing a rule," Sanji said with concern. "The old men I lived with had no care in the world – too old to care. I'm used to it. Plus, living with these guys – I mean, who can get any privacy around here?"

"To think it's easier on the sub," Law muttered.

"Who you talking to in there?" Zoro asked against the door.

"I can't let myself go," Sanji said, stressed about it as he fixed his sleeves. "I can't just…let it go."

"_What_…? Just let it go, cook! It's easy!" Zoro exclaimed, bewildered.

"Who can?" Law returned, lifting his eyebrows. "Not around here."

Considering this, Sanji nodded. "Okay, well…I'll give it some thought. Excuse me."

Law heard him open the door, and the heavy sound of Zoro taking a foot to the gut. His voice seemed to sail away as Sanji slammed the door shut, shouting, "Take a shit in the ocean, moss! That's where grass like you fertilizes your family!"

"Sanji," Robin admonished from nearby. "That's not nice. How is he to wipe out there?"

"…er…with…moss?"

"Hmm. Might make me reconsider eating any type of seaweed with that in mind."

"I'm sorry to put that image into your head, dear, how about a snack? Something light and refreshing?"

Law exhaled heavily once the noise finally started to die down. Picking up his book, he started reading again, exasperated with the lack of privacy on this tub. He then furrowed his eyebrows, folded the top corner of the page and set that aside some dirty magazines and engineering scrolls that were wilted and worried at the edges. Not even two minutes later, he was washing his hands at the sink when the ceiling from above blasted open, Luffy, Chopper and Zoro folding in half down onto the bathroom floor nearby.

Law dried his hands on a fluffy handtowel hanging nearby.

"Did you light a match?" Luffy asked him woozily, eyes spinning.

"Are you getting enough fiber, Law?" Chopper croaked, twitching.

"How'd you sneak in when I was ready to go?" Zoro grumbled, picking himself up. He was soaking wet, Law noticed. "Hopefully the seat's still warm."

Law shook his head and exited the bathroom as Luffy gave a confused question.


End file.
